Round 2

When you feel that two years have past and that you are totally past the haunting memories, feelings and emotions that happened to you those years ago. 

Psychologists always feel that you will have experiences, both good and bad etched in your brain for a lifetime, they can act as triggers or can lay dormant. I felt that to be very true recently. Even when it is a feeling that you would really wish to erase. 

I think back to the numerous times of watching the Pixar movie Inside Out. If you have watched it you will know that the little girl has characters that are each of her emotions, whether it be sad or excited. I felt that the character I had playing around my head two years ago had actually disappeared. Maybe that was silly to think. I recently found out it hadn’t. And it was scary and upsetting all at the same time. 

When Mike passed away two years ago, I needed to take some time off work to get my head round just what had happened, but also how I was going to navigate life. Even though I knew people close to me pass away, I had never had to deal with grief like this before, and there was no podcast or book that was giving me all the tools I needed. It took time to do everything again we call life, whether it be grocery shopping, going for a swim or going back to your favourite coffee shop. But one of the hardest things to do was get on that bus, through that main entrance, in that elevator, into that office. The fear, the feeling of being frozen, the endless thoughts that just kept going through my head. What will people think, what will they say, how do they expect me to be, am I allowed to be sad, am I allowed to cry, do I have to act like everything is ok? 

There were these questions, and so many more that went through my head, and guess what when I walked in and was felt to be invisible to most, they didn’t ask anything, they did not even acknowledge I was there, it confirmed those feelings and more. 

So fast track two years later, a week in February, I was rushed into hospital with scary complications to only be admitted for five days of tests, scans, procedures and a lot of medication. After starting up MyMuse and spending the first year working from home and cafes, I was very kindly offered a space in my friends office in a stunning location in the city. Her team and the whole company are fantastic and so welcoming and know all about MyMuse and what I do and what I have been through. Such a refreshing change that they actually want to talk and learn about how they can make a difference in the world. An environment that makes you feel safe but also able to sit with your headphones in and focus on work. 

So, why when I had had almost two weeks out of the office in hospital and having to recover, such a process in itself of not pushing myself and having to listen to exactly what my body needed, even if that maybe an entire day in bed. I had that frozen feeling again, it started that morning, early and had me stuck, thinking of any excuse possible to not go into the office. But when you have set up a company from nothing, when it has been your passion, brought you so much joy and made such an impact in others lives, I had that added pressure that I just couldn’t hide under the covers. So one step in front of the other, I got ready, had breakfast, left the house, and started the commute into the city. That feeling rushed over me again, the one to just run and go home, but I walked up to the front door, I walked up to the elevator, went up, walked into the office, and was greeted with the warmest smiles, some not saying anything but the smile and acknowledgement, others said it was really good to see me, others put a hand on my shoulder and said let's go for a walk or a coffee later on. And one gave me the biggest hug I have needed for the past two weeks. 

What I can say to anyone that is going through grief, or a big life event, take your time, listen to your body, and set yourself small targets everyday, even if it may seem like the most simple of tasks like walking for 30 minutes, but it is a step, and a step in the right direction. And when it comes to going into work, the first day maybe an hour in the office, it may be sitting in a meeting room and just getting through an abundance of emails. Or it may be to throw yourself deep into it. But let someone know if you can, what you are going through, even if it is not the full story, so they can just be there for you. And if you are the people in the office having someone return, show some empathy, show some support, whether it be a warm smile is all you can offer, or taking them for a coffee or a walk, or having lunch together. Make sure you keep it up for a while too, not just for day one. And if you can offer to walk into the office with them in the morning, or when you finish for the day, it takes away some of that pressure you can feel that everyone is looking at you when you walk in or out. 

It's been a hard few weeks physically and I know I am not out of the woods yet, but each step is a step closer. 

If you feel you would like to know more, email info@mymuse.com.au