2 Years

This weekend marks 2 years since Mike passed away. 

To say there is a mixture of emotions would be an understatement, even to write this blog has taken me so long. I guess writing down what was going on in my head made it all reality. 

2 years have passed, in some aspects very quickly, but then in others very slowly. 

In some ways it does seem like yesterday, I can still remember everything about that day he passed, and that day of the funeral, everything. On that day, I had my very dear friend that I called immediately and she rushed over, we walked down to the beach (I am extremely lucky to live very close to the beach). We watched the waves crash, we felt the sand between our toes, and I screamed at the top of my voice, why? I don’t even know if people stared at me, wondering what I was doing, I didn’t care, I needed to scream out to the world, I needed to release some of that pressure that was on my chest, maybe it would let me breath easier. It didn’t. Having that friend (you know who you are) allowing me to just be what I needed to be that evening, that week, that month, and even still, she is one of those special friends. You can be sad when you need to be, you can be silent when you need to be, most of all you can express whatever you are feeling, and know that is ok. A true treasure! 

I am not sure how I even slept that night, I think my body was in so much shock, and probably exhausted. I remember walking up to grab a glass to have some water, the next thing, I was in a heap on the floor, and had tears streaming down my face. Why? Those glasses, Mike bought those glasses, then I looked round my apartment, Mike had bought so many things in there, he had sat on the sofa, he had looked out of those windows, we had had dinner on that dining table. How was I to even get on with life in anyway, was everything not going to remind me of Mike? 

We are now in the third week of 2020. I am not going to lie, things still remind me of Mike. On a daily basis there has to be at least one thing, but I have chosen to acknowledge that and will even say to the person that I am with that it is a reminder. Mike was a huge part of my life, and talking about it and talking about the good and bad times has helped me I feel. Working on MyMuse on a full-time basis has also meant that I talk about my story everyday. However, knowing the reach that we are having and the effect on large corporations within Australia and New Zealand is making this a decision I will always be proud of. 

The 2nd anniversary, in a way I feel I have placed more pressure on myself than I did last year. The “firsts” you have no idea how you are going to react, or what it will feel like, but allow yourself to just be in the moment. I have now completed a lot of “firsts” and they went surprisingly well. I had moments when I smiled, I had moments when I cried, I had moments when I had restless nights sleep, but allowed myself to feel what it was I was feeling. Now I have done it once, have I set expectations on myself? Have my friends and family around me set expectations on how I will be, based on last year? Am I allowed to feel terrible/ happy/ sad/ upset/ angry, or all those emotions or even more? I am allowed to feel different to what I did last year? 

As I go into Saturday, I feel nervous. I have again set the day aside and made some plans as to what I will do that day, but even a week out, it is making me sick to the stomach thinking about waking up on Saturday morning and dealing with the day. 

I do miss Mike, I miss having him see and hear what I am now doing with my life. Will this anniversary ever get any easier? Will it always be a day or a week where I have to give myself a break? Talking about how it makes me feel has been good for me, but also I feel has allowed my friends and family to talk about how they feel when they lose someone close to them. It is strange that I may have known friends for years, but until I open up about my story, I have no idea what they have personally been through and how much hurt they have held. 

As I start this week, I have no idea how it will go, but I will continue to do the things I always do, talk to those around me, yoga, meditate, walks on the beach and focus on MyMuse, knowing in the back of my mind that if I start to feel a little “different” to allow myself to go to that place and breath...

(And why a thistle image? Mike’s family history is Scottish, for his funeral I had a wreath made with the colours of his tartan, it had thistles throughout it. Since then each year I will collect a thistle and dry it they sit next to his photo in my apartment).